Relationships for me are a multitude of experiences that all lead to the same feeling of feeling good about myself and in equilibrium, of course, but above all safe. I feel comforted by the warmth of affection, like a slice of cake just taken out of the oven or a cup of coffee, but also by the embrace of those who love me.
I would like to invite you to make it your own that will take you to experience very beautiful sensations, which are authentic as life. It will not give you only happiness but it will make you feel much better. It will make you appreciate your relationships without wanting more. And most importantly, it will take your dull moments away.
It’s a way to feel good and to be at peace with ourselves but it is to experience even feelings of belonging to a group, the deep connection, of relationship with others. I engage in not only feelings, but real actions with things that I have done really and that made me experience those feelings with a sense of belonging, comfort, love, consolation, affection, courage and humility.
For me, whenever I feel that strange feeling of separation between my partner, the first item on my list of things to do is the idea of making a cup of coffee together and preparing it together with my partner is the essence of being. I like the idea of both of us flipping through a book looking for the recipe, the time spent looking for the extra ingredients and the aroma that emanates throughout the house. Finally, when we put it on the table, I can’t describe the way her stare makes me feel well and the way it warms my heart and makes me feel useful and appreciated.
The real luxury for me is no phone, no data connection, but only to be in the house with my partner, the silence of our room, and a cup of hot coffee in our hands. When both of us somehow take off these daily nuisances of the modern world, both of us then start appreciating the feel and the fragrance of the infusion, and the sound of our thoughts then ring loud, knowing that nothing can stop us. The aroma arouses us instantly as she cuddles in my arms with the coffee mug in her hands in the intimacy of the house in total relaxation.
I always like to do things together and I'm lucky to have a partner who also shares the same thoughts as me and whose talent is beyond any possibility of judgment. Rather than doing a work alone, when we sit in two at the large table with a cup of hot coffee and a project to be finished, time passes so well that it seems that we completed an assignment. And I feel grateful from the depths of the heart that so many of those dull days and moments have vanished into moments of warmth while working together.
So many of my dull moments have been gone in front of the fireplace in winter while looking at the stars in the summer, as we both like to sit around and drink a mug of coffee and talk. At the end of the day, it makes me feel good because it allows me to slow down a bit of our speeding time. And, when I have neither the fire nor the stars we share our thoughts sitting in the armchair in my living room, with a scented candle burning.
Somedays when I get up before her, I start preparing the coffee myself and the hours pass quickly and as the steam fires up, the cups get filled and her eyes show signs of opening. There is a no more beautiful thing than staying there, thinking about what she will think when she sees it and when she finally does, the invitation in her eyes can melt any situation away. The ways she reciprocates gives a great boost of courage and love. It makes me feel absolutely precious.
Closing our eyes and embracing each other transports us to another world. A real embrace is the greatest regenerating soul and spirit. It makes me feel good. We hardly speak anything, other than what our eyes do. It relaxes the heart.
We cannot always do great things but we can do small things with great love. I know there are always a thousand things to do but to feel good and love ourselves must be at least on the first sheet, in this nice list that gives us life and preparing a cup of coffee or tea together in solitude or sitting in your favourite chair with a mug of coffee in hand can do wonders to bring the warmth back in your relationships.
I meandered down a path of self-discovery, unearthing hidden gems of insights that only women will appreciate. What if I said, ladies out there, that it’s neither? Before I ponder over the other questions, such as who I picture as a hero, or what I find sexy, the most important of the questions is – what really governs the laws of attraction?
Is it chemistry? Serendipity? Physical attraction? Humour? Facets of character? Habits? Bad boys? Relatability? Kyra, who’s a dear friend a very close to my heart wrote a splendid piece on soul mates. When going over the list who were voted, and therefore having gained the stamp of approval from millions of women, physical appearance seemed to be the predominant force.
The laws of attraction, therefore, must be governed predominantly but that which we perceive with our five, nay six, senses – eyes, ears, smell, touch (is there where brawn figures?), sound and our very own woman’s intuition and back to Kyra’s serendipity. Which is why, when I write about my heroes, I include literally everything. They are, and have to be, the Total Package.
Insofar as brawns vs brains – they need to have both and plus, a good sense of humour, the ability to dance, the inclination to cook and excel at it, sensitivity to my feelings, have a deep gravelly voice, preferably with the ability to sing, passion (and therefore anger is allowed so long as it doesn’t descend to the physical), the art of lovemaking, generosity and of course, smell really, really good.
Of the list I reviewed, you might find my choice surprising. It’s Patrick Swayze and I’ll tell you why. After watching Dirty Dancing a zillion times and listening to his heart-melting She’s Like the Wind, I was left wondering why he didn’t do more albums. And ladies, he can dance like a dream and can fight like a Kung-fu master. Just to repeat, I like all the men on the list right down to Michael B Jordan who I first saw in an episode of Lie to Me.
However, the biggest and most surprising factoid that I’ve got to acknowledge is that the reality of attraction is – it’s amazing that none of the factors mentioned seem to matter where the heart is concerned. If you don’t believe me, just watch programs like Judge Judy or Dr Phil, particularly the parade of couples traipsing through the show who are purportedly in love with each other.
You’ll find men and women of all colours, shapes, sizes, mental capacity (or incapacity), smell, dodgy criminal history, bad habits … I could go on and on. If only men who resembled my heroes or those from HPLandia were attractive to women, then the world’s population would be much, much smaller and the majority of men would never find a woman. Sigh. With a saddened heart I bid you goodbye, but only for the moment.
Keep in mind, these are general statements, not universal ones. So before you start exclaiming, “That’s not how I am/my girlfriend is/my girlfriends friends. But these 5 lessons are will help you improve your interactions with roughly 90% of the women out there. Let’s dive in.
1. Hormonal Differences Create Behavioral Differences (Get used to them!)
Plain and simple. Men have more testosterone, women have more estrogen. These hormones make a HUGE difference in our respective neurochemistry and, as a result, our actions. So instead of fighting these differences, learn to accept them. Women will generally be more emotionally expressive and mature than men. Men generally have a stronger desire for “purpose” and significance and women tend to have a stronger desire for love and connection.
Women tend to find greater significance and meaning in emotional and physical connection than men do and, as such, it’s important that you’re aware of what your partner really wants. Ultimately, she likely wants a deep connection with you. She wants you to express your emotions more regularly. And wants to be touched regularly.
Realize that hormones play a big role in how the sexes think and behave differently and learn to accept these differences instead of fighting them. You’re life will be a helluva lot easier for it.
2. A Loyal Woman is the Greatest Asset You’ll Ever Have. A Disloyal Woman the Greatest Heartache
This isn’t necessarily something to know about women, but it’s important to know. There’s a reason that people say, “Behind every great man is a strong woman”. With a loyal partner by your side, your life becomes infinitely easier. You won’t have to worry about her going out with her friends and sleeping with some stud at the bar while you sit at home.
She’ll help support your mission and encourage you to grow into your strongest self. She’ll stand by you through thick and thin, rich and poor, sickness and health. I can tell you from experiences, there’s almost nothing in the world that is more amazing than having deep levels of love, trust, and intimacy with a loyal woman.
Conversely, nothing will ruin your life faster than the wrong woman. She will drain your bank account, your self-worth, your social status, and your very lifeblood faster than a freaking vampire. If you cannot trust a woman or she proves to be disloyal, move on and move on fast.
3. In a “Crisis” She Wants Your Support Not Logic
When the sh*t hits the fan (and doesn’t it always), women don’t want you to logically explain why she’s overreacting or why everything will be ok. She wants you to hold her close, make her feel loved, and show her that you are there for her and that you can handle whatever problem the two of you are facing. Support her, don’t “logic” her.
4. Women Want Psychological Stimulation, Not Just Physical
If you want to be the best sex of her life, then you need only remember one lesson, women crave psychological stimulation more than physical stimulation. When you make her feel wanted and lusted after, you’ll blow her mind. Pick her up, talk dirty in her ear, rip her clothes off, be passionate, and fully expressive. Get into the sex and make her feel like she’s the only woman on the planet that you desire.
Sure, knowing the right sex positions and how to properly touch a woman are important. But being able to make her feel in the core of her being that you deeply desire her is the fastest way to give her mind blowing sex. Focus on psychological stimulation first and physical stimulation second. Tease her, talk dirty to her, dominate her. And I promise she’ll turn to putty in your arms.
5. She’s a Human Being Just Like You
Gender differences aside, I think THE biggest thing that men need to remember is that women are human beings just like you and me. They still go to the bathroom, get sick, have bad days, and order late night pizzas. Even the most beautiful woman alive is still just a person with hopes, dreams, and insecurities. So treat her like one. Don’t act like she’s some goddess among mortals. Don’t lose yourself in the beauty.
Realize that she’s a person just like you are and that you shouldn’t act any differently towards her than you would another person. Don't attack your spouse because she isn't meeting your needs. Communicate with her about what you need instead, without expecting her to do all the work. It may take some trial and error but trying something new can actually end up solving problems that had seemed unsolvable before.
6. If you have nagging doubts, ask yourself whether they're really worth addressing
Most of the time, the answer is no. Dwelling on negative thoughts will only make you more upset and put a strain on your relationship. Recognize that your spouse is a separate person with her own thoughts, feelings and needs. Just because you're married doesn't mean you can read her mind or know everything about her. Give her the benefit of the doubt and try to be more understanding.7. Take a step back and assess your own behavior
If you're always asking your spouse to change, maybe it's time for you to look at yourself in the mirror. Instead of giving unsolicited advice, try to be more supportive and encouraging. Don't pressure your spouse into doing everything exactly the way you'd do it. Even if she does everything wrong, recognize that her behavior isn't a personal attack on you or an expression of contempt for your opinions.
8. Never expect your partner to guess your needs
Tell her what you'd like, especially if it's something she does often. Since you take advantage of her help every day, do her the courtesy of letting her know just once in advance what would make things easier for you. Don't jump to conclusions or assume that things are done to spite you when they're not. If your spouse doesn't vacuum the living room one day, it doesn't mean she's deliberately trying to make you angry. She may just be too busy or tired to do it.
9. Don't keep score
Married life isn't a competition, so there's no need to tally up who did more laundry this week or who helped more around the house. Just do your part to contribute to a healthy, sustainable lifestyle and try not to get caught up in comparisons. Always look for ways you can make things better rather than focusing on what's not working.
Having realistic expectations is the only way you'll be able to sustain an environment where everyone agrees and nobody gets left out. There are lots of great things about marriage, but staying together is one of the best. Be sure it's really what you want before throwing in the towel over something small and easily fixable.
